Anger can truly leave a mother with feelings of powerlessness, guilt, and fatigue. Here, a mother shares how by her own strength she struggled to overcome anger, but through the Sacred Heart of Jesus, she learned a new way.
Anger left me powerless
Before becoming a mother, I presumed that my gentle nature and love for children would be enough to see me through the challenges of motherhood.
Anger, I thought, wasn’t really an issue for me. I rarely got frustrated by others and always saw myself as quite the peacemaker in my family. Surely this would be the same when I became a mother…or so I thought!
Much to my disappointment, by the time my third child arrived, the ugly onslaught of anger started to emerge. And gosh was it an ugly thing to behold!
Anger, it seems, is a real thing. And despite how much I love and adore my children, they sure know how to push my buttons!
I remember feeling so confronted by my anger and so powerless as to how to remedy it. No matter how much I resolved to speak calmly to my children, there always came a moment of weakness when they acted out. And SNAP, there I went again!
In the early months after my third child was born, there were so many instances of losing it at my two eldest children – most often when they made such a racket that they woke their baby sister after I had spent half the day in her room trying to get her down for her nap.
Yet just like with any sinful behaviour, I started to realise that nothing good came from my anger. It only left me with continual feelings of shame and guilt.
Feeling deflated and fatigued, I knew something had to change, but I really didn’t know where to begin. It felt impossible to change, as the only way my children seemed to listen was when I raised my voice.
Returning to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Skip forward six months when my children were four years and under. I found myself returning to the Sacred Heart devotion. Prior to getting married, it used to be an important part of my faith life. Through my rediscovery of this beautiful devotion, what I found was that the more I contemplated the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, the more deeply I longed to emulate Him, particularly in my motherhood. Despite there being so many beautiful attributes one can admire about Jesus, the one thing our Lord invites us to imitate is his “meekness and humility of heart” (Mt 11:29).
So many times I have read these words, but on one occasion they really cut me deeply. It suddenly dawned on me: what have my angry outbursts been teaching my children? Essentially, I’ve been asking them to learn from me – for I am quick-tempered, reactive, and can’t control my emotions. Ouch!
Through contemplating our Lord’s Sacred Heart, I found myself becoming less and less concerned about my own limitations and weaknesses. Instead I immersed myself in being schooled in the Sacred Heart. Our Lord has taught me many things from this practice: three in particular have really helped to control my anger.
1. Offering mercy before correction
Seeking to imitate our Lord, I now make a point to offer mercy before correction. In all of Our Lord’s encounters, he never scolded people for their mistakes; instead he offered his understanding. Though Jesus could have admonished the apostle Matthew for his avaricious lifestyle, his only words were, “Follow me” (Mt 9:9). When the disciples deserted Jesus in his darkest hour, Our Lord later gently greets them with, “Peace be with you” (Jn 20:19).
Offering my children mercy before correction creates an environment where self-control can be practised and anger implodes. Mercy and anger simply cannot operate together.
An example of this was in the car recently. Much to my delight, my eldest son randomly began singing a hymn to Jesus. I innocently decided to join in. To my surprise, my singing was not well received (apparently he wanted to sing solo). As a result, he decided to hurl a book at the back of my head. It wasn’t just any old book I discovered, but my own Bible!
My instant response was to chastise. And so the victim statements came flooding in one by one. “What did I do to deserve a Bible in the back of my head?” How could my son use the Word of God to injure me?”
Thankfully, I ignored my natural impulse of reacting and instead chose to remain silent. I knew I would only lose my temper if he started talking back. This gave my son the opportunity to reflect on his behaviour, and in turn offer an apology when he was ready. What a moment of grace that was for me; to be able to practise self-control and not make the rest of the car ride a negative experience for my family.
When we practise mercy before correction, we experience peace and make our home a place where God’s love can be powerfully experienced.
2. Train over shame
Our Lord has also helped me combat anger in my motherhood by eliminating common shaming phrases when disciplining my children. Such phrases are:
“How many times have I told you not to do that?”
“Why won’t you ever listen to me?”
“You are a rude/naughty or disobedient boy?”
I can only imagine the humiliation I would experience if one of these phrases were said to me upon entering the confessional! I would never want to go to Confession again! Thank God for the mercy and gentle training he offers us through this beautiful Sacrament.
I’ve heard it said that each time our children misbehave, it is an opportunity for us to train our children in virtue. Yet virtue takes time (a very long time for some of us), and since children are in the very infancy of their development, they need many, many opportunities to be trained in obedience and form good habits.
Reflecting over the numerous chances God has given me over the years to grow in obedience, I really had to ask myself how could I give my children anything less.
Children need many, many opportunities to be trained in virtue. We need to allow them grace.
3. Posture counts
Gazing at the Sacred Heart image has brought me a new awareness of my posture in my interactions as a mother. Whilst our Lord’s posture is one of openness and welcome, mine has too often been closed and accusatory. Do I really think towering over them and pointing my finger will actually achieve anything good? Why am I trying to frighten my children? Do I really want them to obey me out of fear? The answer is of course ‘no’, but unfortunately my body language has been saying the opposite for too long!
Though it’s a work in progress, I try to make every effort to lower myself down to my children’s height and look them in the eye before speaking. As I started practising these basic things, I have found my voice becoming softer, as I was now talking to them face-to-face and no longer needed to shout at them from halfway across the room.
This has really seen a difference in the way my children respond to me, and they will often offer a heartfelt apology as a result.
Showing children our gentle disposition will win them over far better than using a harsh tone.
Replacing our heart with Jesus' Sacred Heart
Though I have failed so many times in my motherhood, He knows the challenges I face in trying to raise good, holy, and happy children, and His only desire is for me to reach out for his help. “Come to me and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28) he says. It’s so very simple! When we approach the Sacred Heart earnestly and humbly, our Lord will show us what love is and give us all that we need to bring his love into our homes each day.
Perhaps this June, the month of the Sacred Heart, we can ask the Lord to give us more of His heart and experience the transformative power that comes from this simple act. We give God a huge compliment when we ask this of Him. For why else did the Son of God become man, if not to make man like God? (St Athanasius).
“Do not let the past disturb you, but leave everything in the Sacred Heart and begin again with joy.”
St. Teresa of Calcutta
Read our other blog posts on the Sacred Heart of Jesus:
Holly is a trained secondary teacher and mother of four. She has a Master’s degree in Theology and is passionate about sharing her faith and encouraging women in their journey of motherhood. Holly is married to Philip and lives in Melbourne with their young children.
5 Responses
That’s a very helpful article! Thank you.
Thank you! We agree – Holly has touched many hearts with this article.
Thank you for writing so truthfully! I can relate and it’s good to know it can be overcome.
It’s an article to keep coming back to x