In the midst of motherhood’s unexpected turns, one mother discovered God’s boundless generosity. His gentle whispers in her darkest moments taught her that true generosity often emerges from life’s deepest pains.
Once upon a time, I thought that maturity came part and parcel with turning 21. I thought that there might be a magical moment which would transform me from the Janet of my childhood into the Janet that was ‘adult’. With that transformation, I would have all the answers to deal with the challenges of life. So, just when I thought that I had done sufficient maturing, Wham! I got married and had to consider my husband.
Generosity in the early years
Ten months later I gave birth to my first son.
I can remember stepping out of the car, and as my husband, Ian, placed baby Nathan in my arms, I dissolved into tears. The enormity of motherhood suddenly became very real.
At this time, I was unaware of the opportunities that were unfolding: opportunities to be selfless; opportunities to be generous; opportunities to trust.
When Nathan was about six months old, I caught a bad cold and dearly wanted to go to bed – but I had a baby to care for! It took me two years to gather the courage to say ‘yes’ to baby number two because the lesson in being magnanimous was not coming easily. Amy, however, was such a beautiful and easy baby that saying ‘yes’ to baby number three came more readily.
Truthfully, I only ever thought that I would have three children. When Ian and I were engaged, I recall saying that I thought three children would make a nice family – I thought I was being generous. Ian said he thought four children. I screwed up my nose and said, “Four! No! I couldn’t possibly cope with four children!”
It may have been around this moment that I suspected that God was actually whispering gently into my heart. I couldn’t exactly understand Him at that point, but one word at a time, He was teaching me His language of generosity.
Baby number four came. Poor little Joshua vomited for 12 months. He vomited before a feed, during a feed and after a feed. There was one day that I counted 41 bibs on the line – he was a lot of work. I thought that life couldn’t get any harder.
Generosity is often painful
Then we lost little baby number five.
Up until that moment, I had been spared of grief in my life. The pain and heartache that came with my miscarriage seemed like a dark pit out of which I would never climb. It was in that pit that I cried a desperate prayer from a place in my heart: ”Jesus, please give me two next time.” My prayer was not eloquent; it was desperate – like the haemorrhaging woman in Mark’s gospel, “If I just touch the hem of his cloak, I will be healed.”
Five months later I was pregnant again, and at the 12 week scan, we discovered I was carrying twins. God answered my prayer. Anthony and Caleb made a dramatic entrance at around the 32-week mark. A prolonged stay in special care ensued. I had not considered what it would feel like to leave my babies in hospital for someone else to care for. I pondered whether the ache that I was feeling was at all similar to the helpless ache that Our Lady may have felt as she watched her Son struggling to breath.
Then came Toby. Baby number seven – our fifth boy in a row.
The routine, mid-pregnancy scan identified a defect with his heart. The term used by the obstetrician was, ‘incompatible with life.’ I had entered that appointment expecting confirmation that all was well. Looking forward to being told my official due date, my mind was trying to process how a mother prepares for her baby’s funeral?
I questioned my capacity to be able to live through the remaining months of pregnancy. Once again, I found myself praying from the pit of grief – a place where I realised how little I was. I felt helpless. This time all I could muster was one simple word: “Help.”
Suggestions of termination and invasive tests ensued. But Toby eventually arrived, and after a very short cuddle in my arms, he was whisked down to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. He was in Bay 8; the littlest and sickest babies were in Bay 8.
It is worth noting that I didn’t feel overly pious at this stage, and I definitely wasn’t trying to grow in holiness. I was simply trying to survive.
But with God, nothing is ever wasted.
While watching my son in his humidicrib, being unable to perform the most basic duties of a mother, God was still teaching me about generosity. God is generosity in its most pure form. My baby was alive. He was gravely ill, but in that moment, he was mine and I was his.
Toby had his first open heart surgery at eight days old. I remember carrying him into the operating theatre and handing him over to the nurse. Ian and I were well aware of the risk of the surgery on such a delicate tiny heart. Each time we walked him into an operating theatre, we kissed him and silently gave him back to God.
Through all this, I was learning that generosity is often painful.
"God is generosity in its most pure form. My baby was alive. He was gravely ill, but in that moment, he was mine and I was his."
His generosity knows no end
After five boys in a row, God blessed Ian and me with our second little girl. She arrived four weeks early, but she was healthy. Like the haemorrhaging woman, I instantly knew that a restoration had begun.
All the pain and worry that had preceded her entrance into our family was never about God pushing me to my limits or testing me to see if I would be faithful; it was about moving me to a place where I was so little and helpless that I could actually hear Him whispering to me.
Two years later, another little girl! It amazed me how God had the willingness and desire to make my ninth pregnancy seem like something brand new. Out of all my children, and all the worry that I experienced at their births, this was the first time I ever cried. She was incredibly beautiful and so unexpected. God was showing me that His generosity knows no end.
Life's opportunities to say 'yes'
As I look back over my years of childbearing, I can see how my kind and loving Father has always been with me – offering me countless opportunities to receive, opportunities to say, “yes”.
Each obstacle seemed like an insurmountable challenge; a challenge that often left me asking, “Why are you doing this to me? Should I keep trying harder?”
I was wrong.
God had always been calling my name, desiring me to turn and rely on Him. He wasn’t asking me to try harder and be more capable, He was calling me to run into His Fatherly embrace.
And all the while, He was teaching me how truly generous He really is.
9 Responses
😭😭😭 beautifully written, dear friend!
This will speak to so many mumma hearts. 💕 I know it did, mine. xx
A beautiful window into your loving heart and soul Janet! Motherhood both breaks our heart and makes our heart through suffering. Thank you for sharing your generous life-giving journey.
Dearest Janet,
I am a grateful witness to the Fruit of all you have written.
Laurel x
Teared up reading this. Thank-you 🤍
So raw, honest and beautiful. I can definitly relate to these moments 💛
A beautiful description of how a mother’s heart expands through the ups and downs. I’m reminded every moment with our children is precious.
Thank you Janet, you’re a gift to us 💕