As we enter Holy Week, we are reminded through Mary’s quiet suffering beside her Son that the deepest ache of motherhood is watching our children suffer—and the greatest act of love may simply be saying, “I’m here.”
Never ending tears
I cry quite easily. If I’m honest, I probably cry at least once a day. Sometimes because I’m very sad, but equally it may be that I am very happy! It’s a bit of a joke in my family that I carry around my sunglasses not to shade my eyes from the sun, but to hide my frequent tears. And quite frustratingly, I find tears so contagious! Many times I have cried with a complete stranger who has shared her pain over one of her children.
Does motherhood make us more prone to tears? That’s my theory anyway. Since motherhood, I think I have become more attuned to the suffering of others, the suffering of those less fortunate, the suffering of the defenseless, the suffering of the lonely. I literally feel a stab of pain that makes me want to reach out and help. But there is no stab more painful than the stab of watching my own children suffer.
I am not suggesting that my children have suffered more than most. I think of mums with children who suffer with addictions, extreme physical or mental illness, living on the streets etc, and I really don’t know how they survive it.
Stones in my chest
We can feel the suffering of our children so keenly that it can be all consuming and overpowering. I remember when my eldest began school. She was so nervous and frightened. I just couldn’t resist, and I did a drive-by of the school at lunchtime. I saw her there in the schoolyard playing on her own. It still brings me to tears!
All these years later, as a mother of six and grandmother to four, you would think that I would have become immune. That somehow my heart would get used to and less affected by the suffering of my children. On the contrary, even now that they are adults, I carry their suffering around like stones in my chest.
I have become very wary of offering platitudes like ‘life wasn’t meant to be easy’ or ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.’ Suffering is so very personal. Over time I have learnt that mysteriously, and for reasons way beyond my comprehension, suffering is an unavoidable part of life. As Christians we believe in the Cross, and then the resurrection. Consequently, it’s important that we learn to not only bear suffering, but to embrace it and teach our children to do the same.
Suffering helps us grow
Many years ago, I came across this story that has influenced the way I watch my children suffer.
A young boy came across a butterfly cocoon and brought it into his house. He watched, over the course of hours, as the butterfly struggled to break free from its confinement. It managed to create a small hole in the cocoon, but its body was too large to emerge. It tired and became still.
Wanting to help the butterfly, the boy snipped a slit in the cocoon with a pair of scissors. But the butterfly was small, weak, and its wings crumpled. The boy expected the insect to take flight, but instead it could only drag its undeveloped body along the ground. It was incapable of flying.
The boy, in his eagerness to help the butterfly, stunted its development. He did not realise that the butterfly needed to go through the process of struggling against the cocoon to gain strength and fill its wings with blood. It was the struggle that made it stronger.
As mothers, we are inclined to shield our children from suffering at all costs. This story challenges us to see that suffering is not a curse. Instead, it may even be a blessing, teaching our children resilience and compassion, and propelling them forward on their path to holiness. It is an act of trust in God to watch our children suffer. After all, He made them and loves them far more than we do! So instead of praying, “Lord, help them not to suffer,” we can pray this adaption of a prayer of Don Dolindo:
Jesus, I surrender my children to you, take care of everything.
Four simple practices to adopt when your child is suffering
1. Stay close
Here’s the challenge: to mother, not smother! When your children are suffering, it’s tempting to be right on top of them. It is easy to think that your presence will fix things. Rather, we are called to stay within reach. Give them opportunities to access you when they need it, at their convenience. I have found my children rarely want to talk at a time that is convenient to me. I have learned to be ready to listen when they are ready to speak. Not easy when you have children living in different time zones!
2. Set a good example
How do we act when we are suffering? Do we fall apart, incessantly complain, and focus only on the negatives? While gratitude does seem to be the remedy for everything these days, I think it’s really important that we are grateful in both good times and bad. We must bear our sufferings with grace and peace, hopeful for better times to come.
3. Have a confidante
Some of us find it therapeutic to have a good rant on Facebook, but does it really bear fruit for our children? We should respect their privacy and not overshare publicly. It is imperative to have someone with whom you can share in private. This may be your spouse or another trustworthy person who can lend their ear. You don’t have to bear the suffering of your children alone!
4. Pray, hope, and don’t worry.
Easier said than done! I find inspiration in my mother who has six children, twenty-five grandchildren, four great-grandchildren, as well as connections with all the in-laws and families in between. If she tried to carry the suffering of each of her ever growing family members, she would literally be flat on the ground! Instead she prays more and entrusts us all to God every day.
Christ's suffering
It’s fitting as we enter this Holy Week to turn our eyes to Mary as she watches her Son’s agony and death on the cross.
There is a beautiful scene in the Passion of Christ, which, while not scriptural, abounds in truth. Mary is standing in the shadows with John, watching her Son fall yet again under the weight of the cross. In her own agony, she runs to him, grasps him, looks him in the eye and simply says “I’m here.” This seems to give Him the courage to get up and keep going. Mary’s extreme trust in God allows her to let Jesus go and continue His journey. It gives her the grace to be there at the foot of the cross as He slowly dies.
Dear Mothers, let us pray for Mary’s exemplary trust in God and the grace to simply say to our suffering children, “I’m here.”
Annie Lawrence is a wife, mother, grandmother, and member of the Fraternity of the Heart of Jesus in the Emmanuel Community. She passionately loves God, her family, gorgeous fabrics, Belgian chocolates, and writing. She runs the Momnipotent program for Catholic mothers and speaks in schools on the topic of real beauty.
6 Responses
A wise, beautiful, and thought-provoking article, thank you Annie.
Thank you for this lovely reflection. I am a husband and father but I resonate with many of these feelings! I wonder, is it easier to watch your children suffer when they are little (and the sufferings are generally physical) than watching them suffer when they are older (and the sufferings are much deeper)?
Thanks for your kind words Matthew. When I was a young mum, I remember thinking ‘Oh, things will get easier when the kids grow up!’ Now that I’m an older mum, I look back fondly and think how easy things were! I guess the challenge is to embrace the stage our children are in and be attentive to their specific needs as they grow and change. – Annie
A beautiful reminder that walking beside, listening, and praying for our children is what we mothers are called to do.
Thank you Annie for your heart felt reflection. It is so real as parents and still as we journey on. Thanks be to God our Father for He is always there watching us in silence. As we are also children.
It is true – our children are always being watched over. Thank you for your comment.