The comparison trap
I have a friend who prays more than me. I have another friend who is skinnier than me. Other friends have more money, more discipline, more confidence, or more peace. If I hold my life up against any one of my friends, I always fall short in at least one area!
As social creatures, it is completely normal for us to compare ourselves with other people. Sometimes making comparisons can be healthy; it can help inspire and motivate us to improve or achieve. But when we constantly evaluate ourselves and internally rate our lack against the “best” of others, it can quickly turn ugly.
Let’s face it: mothers all too often fall into the motherhood comparison trap. And it’s not pretty.
Focusing on other women outperforming us, possessing qualities we lack, or acquiring what we don’t have, can gradually destroy us. Envy, guilt, blame, sadness, and anxiety are just some of the negative effects which can result from comparisons. Friendships suffer, self-worth takes a real hit, and whatever joy we may have is robbed from us.
Thankfully, our Catholic faith provides us with ways to overcome the natural human tendency of making comparisons. Here I present to you seven effective tips that have proved to be powerful in my life.
1. Know your true worth
Accept the truth that you are a unique, unrepeatable person!
God fashioned you according to his specifications. And He says that you are:
- “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14),
- “God’s masterpiece” (Eph 2:10),
- “more precious than jewels”, “worth far more than rubies” (Prov 31:10),
- “altogether beautiful” (Sol 4:7),
- “clothed in strength and dignity” (Prov 31:25),
- and “inscribed on the palms of [his] hands” (Is 49:16).
Your self-worth is not attached to any particular ability you may admire in someone else. Your self-worth rests on the fact that you are the most precious daughter of God the Father. And no one else’s accomplishments, abilities, or acquisitions can change that one iota.
2. Discern God's will regularly
Being about the business of discerning God’s will gives you confidence that you are on the right path.
I’m not going to lie; I have been known to be triggered when I see a mother on social media raising her children on a beautiful homestead somewhere in America. But God’s will for me is not that. No one else has my family, my gifts, my personal mission, my set of circumstances. Together with my husband, we are to discern what the Lord asks of us.
Identifying what you desire from someone else’s life may be something that needs to be taken to the Lord for discernment. Are you being called to something here – something that this other person is presenting? Perhaps yes. But perhaps not. Living in a spirit of discernment of God’s will, and conforming to it in the present moment, is key to sticking to your own lane.
Living in a spirit of discernment of God’s will, and conforming to it in the present moment, is key to sticking to your own lane.
3. Go to confession often
Regular confession to a priest helps keep the tendency towards comparisons in check and gives grace to start anew.
Have comparisons caused you to resent certain people? Have you held onto envy in your heart? Did you make unjust judgments against others? Did you say mean things about yourself in any way? Have you failed to acknowledge the Lord’s goodness in your life?
Take it to Jesus in Confession.
He is waiting there. He doesn’t condemn you, but rejoices that you should go to Him to receive the peace He has in store for you. And do not be disheartened to go again and again with the same weaknesses. God gives graces in the Sacrament of Confession to overcome sinful tendencies.
4. Be a woman of deep prayer
While comparisons remind us of what we don’t have, a deep prayer life reminds us that only Jesus can satisfy the deepest longing of our soul.
I can imagine how the Samaritan woman at the well may have felt at her core. Unworthy, less than everyone else, resentful and dissatisfied with who she was. Yet, Jesus invited her to drink of his living water (John 4:14).
Prayer directs us to the truth that we have everything we need in God. St. Ignatius’ Suspice is a beautiful prayer that brings me back to this truth over and over again:
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all I have and call my own. You have given all to me. To you, Lord, I return it. Everything is yours; do with it what you will. Give me only your love and your grace. That is enough for me.
5. Take a break from social media
Opting out of social media – even if only for a time – helps shift unnecessary attention away from others to focus on reality.
When I was younger, I only got a peek into the lives of other people when I actually saw them in person or on television. Now, social media brings the lives of anyone and everyone into our home. We see more than is actually healthy for us, so it’s no wonder that this bombardment leads us to question whether we have or do enough!
Whenever it gets too much, it’s important to take a break from social media. Decide whether you need to reduce your daily consumption, log off for weeks at a time, or remove some apps altogether.
Reconnect with yourself through:
- praying and journaling,
- making time for your hobbies and interests,
- performing works of mercy (visiting, cooking for someone, etc).
6. Be an encourager
Giving encouragement and intentionally being happy for others’ successes reduces the feelings of despair and jealousy that may arise from comparisons.
When someone else has what you wish you had, it can be hard to be happy for them. The remedy? Bless and encourage them. “Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thes 5:11). Give them words of encouragement to spur them on. Praise and commend them for their efforts. Share in their joy. If it is someone in the online world that you don’t know, bless them in your mind. Acknowledging the good in others doesn’t have to take away from the good that is in you.
7. Give thanks in all circumstances
Placing ourselves in a constant state of thanksgiving leaves little room for pondering what we are lacking.
A friend of mine had a profound conversion after keeping a gratitude journal, where she recorded at least ten things a day for which she was grateful. She made a particular practice to be grateful for the things that seemed to go wrong. Only in retrospect was she able to see the Lord’s merciful hand in what he took away, prevented, or allowed to go badly.
When we are grateful for the blessings we have received, however small or insignificant they may seem, we pave the way for a life of contentment. St. Gianna Beretta Molla rightly stated that the secret of happiness is “to live moment by moment and to thank God for what He is sending us every day in His goodness.”
Stepping into our own gifts, nurturing a grateful outlook and deepening our relationship with Christ are key to following the path God has set before us. All we are called to is to “be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.” St. Catherine of Siena
Stephanie Philippou, co-founder of Litany of the Home, is a Catholic wife and mother of eight in Melbourne. She has a heart for instilling liturgical living in her home, loves ordered spaces and often laughs at her own jokes.
