St. Benedict wrote his Rule as a guide for the self-governance of individuals within his community. Yet, his timeless insights are no less applicable for mothers in their domestic monastery – the home.
The Rule of St. Benedict
The Rule – though written over fifteen hundred years ago and primarily for monks – has proven itself a timeless work. While mothers live vastly different lives to those called to the religious vocation, there is one very striking similarity: the home, like the monastery, is a place set apart from the world. It is a place where the mother, like the monk, learns that time is not her own.
Reading St. Benedict’s great (and short) work, it becomes apparent that every page contains wise counsel for mothers. There are four principles in particular that I have been challenged to ponder in the raising of my family.
1. Cheerful obedience
“The disciples’ obedience must be given gladly, for God loves a cheerful giver. If a disciple obeys grudgingly and grumbles, then…his actions will not be accepted with favour by God, who sees that he is grumbling in his heart.”
In a monastery, the monks must be obedient to the regular bell chimes calling them to prayer, work, and meals.
The bell in my domestic monastery may not ring at the same time each day, but they are there nonetheless. The bell sounds when my little one asks for a glass of water. It rings at the end of a long day when my teenagers emerge ready for a chat. When it’s time to transport children to their various sports, there goes that bell.
I would say that I am fairly obedient to my duty to respond to these bells. But can I say that I am always good-natured in my response? Truthfully, at times I can fulfil my obligations with a martyr mum attitude. More than simply being obedient, St. Benedict reminds me that I am to respond to my call, not reluctantly or under compulsion, but with a cheerful heart.
2. Be attentive
“All [guests] who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ.”
Being a busy mother of many children, life is full of jobs that need to get done. It is for my family’s benefit, afterall, that I attend to my domestic duties, lest they find no undies in their drawers, nor dinner on the table!
However, recently I was confronted with my propensity to – at times – be better at attending to my tasks than to my children. While chopping vegetables one day, my four year old begged, “Mum, listen to the jokes I made up!” In a moment of grace, I stopped what I was doing, bent low, scooped up his face to bring it in close, looked him in the eye and said, “Tell me! I want to hear them!” His reaction was one of pure delight, but also one of surprise. His delighted surprise was a reminder to be always attentive to the hearts of my children.
Where we direct our attention is the greatest indicator of where our priorities lie. Being attentive to the hearts and needs of our family is the most generous gift we can give. It speaks, “I love you” more than words ever will.
3. Lead by example
“Anyone who receives the name of abbot is to lead his disciples by a twofold teaching: he must point out to them all that is good and holy more by example than by words.”
Instruction of children is necessary, for we are to “train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov 22:6). I am the abbot of my children. And I must first discipline them by demonstrating the way they should behave.
Limiting and monitoring time-appropriate use of screens around here is no small feat when it comes to my children. It can be a source of frustration for me to repeat our rules on the matter…the rules for my children.
Yet, how well do I monitor my own use of devices, especially in their presence? Rushing to check my phone when I receive a text message; impulsively researching some mundane fact on the Internet; watching a YouTube video over breakfast instead of going for my book – I need to remove the screen log from my own eye before I take the speck out of my children’s. “If [the abbot] teaches his disciples that something is not to be done,” says St. Benedict, “then neither must he do it.”
4. Remember you must die
“Day by day remind yourself that you are going to die.”
Ultimately, I desire eternal salvation. Still, it’s too easy for me to go about my day preoccupied with everything but. Increasing my awareness of the imminence of death reminds me that God is watching – a motivating reality to help me keep careful watch over my thoughts and actions!
As mothers, it too is sobering to remember our children’s death. Appeasing a child’s constant desires, unnecessarily negotiating the rules, and placing a disproportionate amount of attention on their emotions, is not going to help them on their judgement day. What will benefit them is whether they learned to live a life of virtue, service, and obedience to God.
In summary
While we cannot claim to be Benedictine monks, a mother’s existence in the home is most certainly monastic. Offering us a balanced, peaceful life, St. Benedict’s Rule is refreshingly moderate in approach. The practice of cheerful obedience, attentiveness, leading by example, and growing in an awareness of our mortality, are key principles for finding true happiness – both for us mothers and our children.
Stephanie Philippou, co-founder of Litany of the Home, is a Catholic wife and mother of eight in Melbourne. She has a heart for instilling liturgical living in her home, loves ordered spaces and often laughs at her own jokes.
