Real friendship is walking alongside someone through the hard times, staying honest, and encouraging each other toward Heaven.
Perhaps the most beautiful example of true friendship in literature is that of Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings. Frodo must carry the burden of the One Ring, but it is Samwise who carries his friend.
As the saying goes, ‘a burden shared is a burden halved.’ Frodo is not tasked with carrying the burden of the Ring alone, he is given a whole fellowship to accompany him. Ultimately, however, it is one friend who is given the grace to walk the perilous journey with him.
Friendship is, I think, the most profoundly beautiful, complex, fragile, and gracious gift that the Lord gives to us. We each must walk through valleys of death, heights of joy, and plains of monotonous banality in life. We each must carry burdens – be they large or small. The deepest desire of the human heart is to be known and loved. When we are known AND loved by another, we can rightly call this friendship.
There are two things that help to make this pilgrimage on earth meaningful. The first is being able to keep in mind where we are going. The second is to have companions for this journey.
Our pilgrim call is to direct our life in order that we might achieve Heaven. The responsibility inherent in Christian companionship is to continually point our friends toward Christ and toward this end. This relationship of love with Jesus Christ is our highest good, and the friend who helps us remember this is a true friend.
Keeping it real
The friend that has known me the longest is my sister, Emily. She carries the enormous burden of having two sons on renal life support. Over the years, this relationship has taught me many lessons about true friendship: to keep it real, to forgive, to stay in the present moment and choose to cope, and to laugh.
Em’s friendship has trained me in authenticity and how to carry our burdens. Burdens are just that: Burdensome. And we shouldn’t pretend otherwise. When she is weighed down and barely breathing, she has taught me that all she needs is for me to sit with her. Sometimes she needs to talk, sometimes she needs silent companionship, sometimes she needs me to potter about and do the jobs, sometimes she needs me to pull a face and crack a joke, and sometimes she needs to be held so she can just weep. The capacity for this companionship comes from time spent at the foot of the cross.
Suffering breaks down our self-sufficiency and gives us the opportunity to be truly vulnerable. I have learned that I must risk this vulnerability in friendship and allow another into my heart. If I have no need of friendship, I cut myself off from the Lord’s friendship made manifest in a person. Keeping it real means that whatever we are living has been allowed by the Lord. The Lord grants good times and bad times alike. Genuine friendship can live in ‘good times, and in bad, in sickness and in health’ because it longs for the good of the other. When times are tough, we don’t pretend, but agree, “yes, life is crap at the moment.”
Deep friendship can only grow through the effort of being authentic – of being real.
Forgiveness and grace
There have been countless times in my friendship with Emily that internally I have run away. Even when present, I have been afraid of the enormity of what she carries, and I quale. In these times I have felt a failure and a great sorrow fills my heart that I have not coped. We have talked about it. We have had to have some very frank, very difficult, very honest discussions. We have disappointed each other, let each other down, and felt abandoned. And yet, the grace of forgiveness, affection, love, and a deep and abiding friendship has held us fast through the swampy places of our journey.
Forgiveness in friendship is a living sacrament of Christ’s presence: of his mercy and grace.
Courage to cope in the present moment
Cope def: to strike, fight, engage in a struggle
Friendship with Emily has taught me to be available in the present moment, to be attentive to the unfolding story, and to choose to cope. Staying ‘present’ through years of uncertainty is a daily decision. We can only carry vulnerability in a friendship where both the friends desire to cope with what the Lord allows to happen. To ‘cope’ means to rise up in battle. Much of life is a battle, and mutual friendship flourishes when the friends stand side by side to join in the battle. If one throws up their hands and gives up, the friendship cannot be sustained. Frodo cannot give up and hand his burden to Sam, but Sam can support, drag, encourage Frodo to cope when the burden is too great, and set him on his feet when his strength has recovered.
When we choose to cope, when we encourage one another, our capacities are enlarged, our strength is restored, and grace can flow.
Humour and the gift of a light heart
An enormous grace and gift lived by Em and her husband Mark, is to restore strength and joy through laughter. As heavy as the sufferings are in life, the Lord always extends to us moments to laugh and be grateful. As I write this, Em is making the nurses in the dialysis unit laugh by imagining what their year-end bonuses will be for the continual work they do to keep the renal kids alive (the suggestion is a fruit platter). One of them quips, “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.” And whilst crying is vital, laughing together is healing. Studies show that laughter stimulates circulation of blood, alleviates muscle tension, and strengthens our immune system.
With Em, belly laughing and a sense of fun is a daily event. Over the years, I have seen that she is profoundly present to the other parents, she takes an interest in the nurse’s lives, she is available to listen, and always, I hear the other person be heard, held, and then led to laughter. It is a profound charism which in no way undermines sufferings. I have seen that carefree laughter enables everyone to draw grace to continue the journey with hearts enlarged.
Choosing to carry suffering with joy and humour is a distinctly Christian trait; it makes manifest the Divine Will which allows all the circumstances of our life. Jesus takes seriously our desire to be saints, but he also offers brevity in all situations.
‘She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.’ Prov 31:25
The capacious heart of Christian friendship
When I come to visit Em now, she calls out, “Sarsy’s here, Sarsy’s here!” In this salutation, I hear over 50 years of friendship, 50 years of fun, gut wrenching difficulty, harrowing news, joyful celebration, and a pilgrim heart. I also hear Elizabeth calling out to welcome Our Lady in the mystery of the Visitation.
As women, we have this deep capacity to welcome the heart of another into our heart. Our own sufferings, our own burdens, failings, and faults can become the thresholds through which other hearts are welcomed. It is a mystery that even with the fragility of our imperfection, the Lord makes us channels of His great and tender mercy for each of us.
The Lord, if we desire it, enlarges and makes more capacious our hearts. I have a saying I use with my children, “always have your table set to welcome another.” As Christian women, our hearts can become the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. We are called to bring acceptance of suffering and meaning to our journey toward Heaven, to bring hope, grit and fun through genuine friendship.
Sarah is Editor of Litany of the Home. She lives with her husband in Wagga Wagga where they both teach. Through homeschooling her now four grown up children, she developed a love of writing and correct grammar use. Sarah has been writing and speaking about faith, friendship, and being female for well over a decade. She and her husband, James, are members of the Fraternity of the Heart of Jesus in the Emmanuel Community.
5 Responses
Sarah I am challenged by the idea that friendship may very well be my pathway to sainthood. I am grateful for the example of friendship in both easy and hard times that you have shared here in this article. It’s a reminder of how important it is to have good and holy friends.
Thank you, Janet! You are a very fine friend to so many!
When we experience difficulties in a friendship and we choose to spend the time to repair, as awkward as it can sometimes feel, the friendship is stronger like a bone that is healed.
Amen, sister!
Thank you very much for this article. It hit home on so many levels. It made me cry, as it confirmed the problem I had and convicted me to do better. I have found it hard to be quiet and be comfortable to sit in the pain with my friends. I always felt the need “to do” something, or to say something. When all I really needed to do was be present and quiet.